"at least you're okay..."

is the phrase i've heard more than a lot of times in the last 36 hours or so...

thursday night at about 6:30 cst, i was on my way home from work... i was driving down hillsboro rd., looked down for a moment, and looked back up to see traffic stopped for someone to turn... i slammed on my brakes and tried to not hit the car in front of me with no luck...

there was pretty extensive damage to my car... (i'll know next week what it is exactly.) the airbags broke my glasses (i was definitely wearing them)... no one was hurt - my injuries were the only ones and they were minor - my knee is bruised up and i have bruises and burns from the seatbelt and small burn on my nose from the airbag... my neck and head were hurting pretty bad that night and my back a little bit yesterday... (i went to the er and had xrays and a cat scan done)... so in that sense, i'm okay...

it was pretty rough for me... i cried a lot... i feel really responsible and it just seems to have come at a really bad time... but i'm glad that no one was seriously injured... i am going today to get everything i need out of my car... i am hoping to take some pictures of it and i also know that it will be rough to see it...

a lot of people were praying for me thursday and between that and the pain meds they gave me, the pain is a lot less severe than i know it could be right now... but i'm still pretty achy...

it was only me and one other car and the driver was extremely nice... i took the day off of work yesterday and slept most of the day... at least i'm okay... :)

the skating rink and jesus...

Last night the hs ministry went skating… I don’t remember the last time I wore roller skates, but I do remember my skating rink experiences as a child at after school care… and every time I think about them, I think about one story in particular…

My mom ran the after school program I went to in elementary school. When I was in 5^th grade, we went to the skating rink one afternoon a week. I loved going to the skating rink… it was fun hanging out with my friends, I could play my favorite video game at the time (a car racing one), I could get a big pickle to eat, not to mention the skating part… my favorite song that they played at the skating rink was “bust a move”…

There was this boy named alan who was always at the skating rink when we went… he was the cool kid at the skating rink with his cool skates… he worked at the skating rink or was friends with the people or had connections, because he could get up in the dj booth and pick the music… he was only my age or a year older than me and all of my friends thought he was really cute and talked about him incessantly…

That annoyed me… maybe it was because I wanted my friends’ attention or maybe it was because secretly, I wanted to like him but didn’t want to be like all my friends… I’ve never been a bandwagon kind of girl… I would talk about how much I hated him and how he wasn’t cute at all… and how annoying he was… I don’t think I believed any of those things in my heart, but that’s definitely what I said…

I went over to my mom who was standing with the lady who ran the other daycare who shared our day and started going on and on about that alan boy and how annoying it was that everyone thought he was cute… then I found out the truth… that lady who owned the other daycare was definitely his mom…

I was pretty embarrassed about it, but I didn’t really care because he was annoying and I was annoyed that all my friends only wanted to talk about him and not do fun stuff like eat pickles and play video games with me… I didn’t really hate him or anything, I just didn’t care that much about him… and I didn’t want to fight for his attention… I just wanted to skate and eat pickles and play video games…

One of the days I was playing my video game and he walked over and asked me if I wanted to go out or be his girlfriend or something to that effect… and I was elated… that might have been the only conversation we ever had, but I was so happy that he had chosen me… the next few weeks would definitely be filled with my mind wandering during Ms. Warren’s class while I made a cross with our initials written in the squares on my heart-designed lisa frank paper… the boy that every girl wanted had chosen me… suddenly it didn’t matter than I thought he was annoying and hated him… he chose me because he wanted to… and technically, since we never talked after that one time, i guess, we are actually still dating…

While I was at passion last week, I was challenged in many ways about my relationship with Christ. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the joy of simply having a relationship with Jesus. Somewhere along the way I’ve stopped feeling about Jesus the way I did when I wrote a cross with my initials and alan’s initials in the box on my heart paper. This morning as I was thinking about everything, my head went to Titus (of all places) and a passage of scripture that I heard many times in college…

Titus 3:3-7

“For we also once were foolish ourselves, disobedient, deceived, enslaved to various lusts and pleasures, spending our life in malice and envy, hateful, hating one another. But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared, He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hop of eternal life.”

When I was in the 5^th grade, a boy named alan chose me and it brought joy to my little world... I had been in opposition to him and it didn’t matter… he chose me…

before I was born, God chose me (and I realized it 12 years later) and it is still bringing joy to my little world… even today… my life before God was in complete opposition to Him. I was disobedient, deceived, enslaved, malicious, envious, and hateful and it didn’t matter. He chose me…

letter to crazy kamikaze deer...

Dear crazy kamikaze deer,

I don't know what you were thinking when you decided to use my car as the means for your death. I mean, I know my car is great, and I think so, too. However, there are many other options that I feel would be better as a means to end your life. I'll list a few, so you'll know next time...

1) Hunters. They actually think it's good if you die. Plus, they're completely prepared to pick up the mess. And they probably don't scream when you run into their cars and cry a lot after you die.

2) Religious Mass Suicide by drinking cyanide-laced flavor-aid. It worked for Jim Jones. That way all of your friends could go with you at the same time. It's a community effort, not one deer dying alone at a time. Plus, all your friends WOULD be doing it...

3) Some other options could be drowning, suffocation, lethal injection, electric chair... all of these are great options...

If I were a crazy kamikaze suicide deer, I would definitely choose option 1. I have one friend in particular whose life would be much happier if you did. I would say thank you for choosing me, of all of the cars that drive down Murray Lane in a day, but I'm really not all that grateful for your choice. Regardless, I hope you have a wonderful life in the hereafter.

Sincerely,

Robyn

Here are the answers to the questions I've been asked:
1) I don't really know what kind of deer it was... I saw its face and eyeball (which will forever be in my brain), and as I drove by it this morning on my way to work, it definitely had 2 little antlers (is that what they're called?), so i'm guessing it was a teenage boy deer... you can let me know if i'm wrong... but that's what i'm going with right now...
2) Yes, the deer ran into my car while I was driving. It hit the front drivers side, causing me to be without a signal light and temporarily causing my drivers side door not to open. (Thanks to Shane for fixing it so it opens now.)
3) Yes, there is damage to my car. It could have been much worse. Had I spent 15 seconds more on my hair yesterday morning, I could have had much more damage, and from what i hear about deer accidents, I could have died. So, i guess it's a matter of perspective when it comes to the damage...
4) Yes, I left it on the side of the road. I did not attempt to get out of the car and look at it. I did not, for even the slightest moment, consider strapping it to the top of my car and taking it home. Do you know me? Why would you even ask if i would do that?
5) Yes, I believe it was dead when I left the scene. However, it had turned around on the side of the road by this morning. But it's still in the same place, so yes. I think its neck probably snapped when it hit my car. It spun all the way around and landed on the side of the road on the opposite side of the road...
6) Yes, I screamed when it happened. And I cried after it happened. And I think I said, "what the crap?" a lot...
7) Yes, I am okay. Thanks for caring about the deer more than me. :)

If you have additional questions, please feel free to ask.

What a great way to start a Sunday morning.

peace of mind is all i want. i want to make some time for wasting...

The fact of the matter is… I used to be okay at writing… I went back the other day and read some entries that I had written… and it made me remember and feel what I was going through at the time…

Somewhere along the way, especially within the last few months, I quit turning to writing as a way to vent and explain what was going on in my life. Part of the reason for that could be that when I was writing was when I was living out west and I had more time on my hands and a computer that worked… now, I seem to have little or no time and a dead computer…
Maybe it's that I'm lazy… maybe I just don't want to let people in… maybe it's just that I don't have anything worthwhile to say…

Today I'm at least going to make an attempt… I read this once and it kind of stuck with me… it's a better description of what I'm feeling than what I could put into words…

"Writer's block is just a symptom of feeling like you have nothing to say, combined with the rather weird idea that you SHOULD feel the need to say something.

Why? If you have something to say, then say it. If not, enjoy the silence while it lasts. The noise will return soon enough. In the meantime, you're better off going out into the big, wide world, having some adventures and refilling your well. Trying to create when you don't feel like it is like making conversation for the sake of making conversation." – Hugh McLeod, www.gapingvoid.com

But for those of you who like small talk – here it is…

I started working at ClearView on June 1. It quickly turned from a job to ministry (even though it is still a normal Monday through Friday 9-6 job…) to the biggest part of my life… my normal work time, a good chunk of my "free time" and all my volunteer time was quickly wrapped up in a group of students who I have grown to adore like no other kids ever… reality is, I don't take the time to write because my plate is full without trying to find words to explain where I am… for the first time, in a really long time, I'm consumed with where I am and trying to be all here rather than looking for the next step… and I'm trying to learn the art of preparing for tomorrow's journey while completely living today's… I am sure that this is not the last place I'll be, but for right now, it's where I am… and I couldn't ask for a better resting place in the journey…

And that's going to be all for now… there may be shorter "funner" posts to come, but for now… I just needed to get that out…

the most wonderful time of the year...

i don't have much time to write... it's nearing the end of the day and the last thing i want to do is sit in my office for longer than i need to...

plus, the colors are so fragrant outside that it is hard for me to sit inside... yes, i said fragrant... i know it isn't the best descriptive word, but in my mind it's perfect... brilliant, fragrant, enticing... spectacular...

fall makes me think... makes me sad... makes me feel hope... makes me want... and makes me happy... all at the same time and with equal force...

these words are not adequate... as i contemplate and write, i'll add more - but for now... that'll do, pig...

A single moment of true joy is more powerful than a lifetime of sorrow.

i've definitely been procrastinating about writing...

maybe it is out of fear... fear that once i start writing i won't be able to stop... or the fear of having nothing to say...

maybe it's out of laziness... writing takes time... and sometimes, it sort of feels like cleaning my room (which i mostly hate to do)... sorting through what needs to be kept and what needs to be thrown away... clearing out the junk and spending time on things that mean something...

maybe because it hasn't been a priority... hanging out with people has taken priority over hanging out with a computer...

i'm not sure the reasoning... but today i sit, good music playing (one of the best mix tape cd's ever - thanks, amy)... and feel that now is the time, whether i have anything to say or not, whether it takes all day or 10 minutes... i'll take the time... to clean out the junk in my mind, censoring only what is necessary, which may be more than i would like to be...

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to try and sum up the last few weeks and months would pretty much be impossible to do... so i'll attempt, knowing i'll probably fail... but i'm still going to try... but i'm only going to deal with august...

i spent the first week of august in new orleans on a high school mission trip... the trip could probably have its own entry (or 5)... but i'm going to sum it up in one word...

humbling

as we pulled into the city, i was immediately broken. i was thankful for oversized sunglasses that hid my teary eyes... i know people who were directly affected by katrina and rita... but i wasn't directly affected... so before driving into the city, it had just been something tragic that happened in our country and in lives of people who were close to me... but it wasn't necessarily real to me...

my kids aren't always the most sensitive in the world... and after a couple of not-okay comments, i snapped... not necessarily out loud, but mentally, i lost it a bit... i was sad for my friend alyssa's family who lost everything... and my mind starting working overtime... and i began to think about storms in general... and how sometimes our lives can be compared to weather patterns - whether we are in times of quiet or times of storm...

sometimes i think i've become so used to the storm that i'm terrified of the quiet... like the storm becomes the thing that is familiar in my life and i don't want it to stop... maybe it's because the storm has become the thing in my life that i can blame... and when it stops, i don't have anything else to blame if there is junk in my life that shouldn't be there...

my words today won't do justice to what i was feeling in the short amount of time after we entered new orleans until we got to our hotel... there was a lot... now, it just seems as fragments of ideas...

after that experience, the rest of the week continued to knock me back into my place with surprising force...

i worked harder than i had worked in a long time, doing work that is not pretty or glorious... i smelled bad... i was dirty and gross and it seemed the perfect analogy to sin in my life... we cleaned up houses and yards... and i know that the storm caught many off guard... they didn't have time to clean their houses and even if they had, it didn't matter... the storm left them, their lives, and their junk exposed... for all the world to see... i don't want my inadequacies, my sin, my junk to be laid bare for the world to see... i want to clean it up, package it with pretty paper and a bow so it doesn't so much look like sin... but that's not being truthful about what sin is... it needs to be exposed so that healing can take place... maybe not in a huge public arena... but to one another so there can be accountability and repentance... i don't like that part sometimes...

toward the end of the week, i grew very tired... exhausted, actually... and i saw my kids notice and it bothered me... i felt like i wasn't putting on my game face enough... like they shouldn't know that i was tired... they kept coming up to me and asking, "what can i do? you look so tired..." and it made me sad... matt said that it's because they cared about us (i guess they were saying the same thing to him) and it was because they cared about us and wanted to please us... and that was even more humbling... i feel so inadequate to be working with these kids... i know that i'm not where i'm supposed to be, spiritually (and probably in other areas, too, but especially that one)... and i'm thankful that God is using me, but it's scary and humbling... i'm thankful that He chooses me, though i don't know why He does...

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i'm not sure what happened the week after new orleans... i'm sure something did... but i can't remember, because it's a week that was sandwiched between two that stick out... so whatever happened that week will forever be lost in the recesses of my mind, i think...

the third week of this month started out fine and by tuesday, started unraveling... there were 3 deaths that happened surrounding my life... it was no one in my immediate family, but they were 3 deaths that were too close... a parent, a grandparent and a student... it was one of those weeks where i was forced to stop and re-evaluate a lot of stuff about my life... does my life make a difference? would people come to know Christ as a result of my death? would there be any lost people at my funeral? am i doing everything i can to share Christ with those that don't know? where's the sense of urgency?

the sad part is, i don't think anything has changed as a result of it... i would like to think everything would have, but i don't think anything has...

immediately following the funeral on friday, i came home to deal with a big mess... it's one of my censored stories... but it caused an important discussion, starting with the statement (said to me)...

"you wear your emotions on your sleeve. you need to toughen up..."

which is true... but how does one go about "toughening up?"... just curious... so i'm working on it... even though i don't know how... i cried a lot in august...

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last week was such an up and down week... but i had one of the best mornings ever... tuesday i walked out the front door and it was the first day that wasn't HOT... so i definitely sang and danced my way to work, windows down, sunroof open, flying down the back roads that bring me to work... huge grin on my face, hair all crazy from the wind, nearly skipping across the parking lot, i walked into work... and if anything tried to get me down that day i would say "i AM walking on sunshine..." (yes, out loud...)

this morning was a lot the same as tuesday...

i'm happy i've had nuggets of good and even great in what could have been an incredibly crappy month...

if you've read this far, i commend you for your diligence... thank you and good night...

but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof

sigh...

the last two weeks have been insane/amazing/weird/exhausting/frustrating/encouraging.
high school camp was incredible... at times it was frustrating, but for the most part, it was a great week... i have never gotten on my face more for students than i did that week... i was encouraged and challenged to pray every day and did so with the other leaders during quiet time and at other times throughout the day. it was one of those weeks where we didn't see anybody come to know Christ (as a salvation experience) but we watched a lot of walls come down, a lot of baby steps (and sometimes giant leaps) toward God, and some knowledge gained... (and more than i could imagine, i'm sure - but this is the short list)

i got to spend time one-on-one with each student in our group... i saw all of them everyday as we shared meals together and talked about our days... the best word i can describe it as is intimate... the week had its fair share of problems and issues, but i walked away knowing the students a lot better and having a foundation to be able to be a part of the ministry as needed (and as i fit)...

we got on the bus to go to middle school camp... and i was driving the van... it's hard for me to drive and get to know students because i don't like to yell and i don't want to turn around... i like driving, but it can be isolating... so i didn't really feel like i got to know the students at all on the way there (and the way back was the same way as i was driving the mini-bus)...

we took a ton of kids to middle school camp and it was really hard to learn names (and faces, for that matter) - one kid came up to me at the end of the week and asked for a tylenol and i didn't remember seeing him at all before that. it was bizarre...

i had a good time, but i felt really disconnected... i got to be a part of m-fuge, so i was out on ministry site during the day and got to know the 3 students from our church who were in my group, but other than that, i don't think i did a really good job of connecting... and i was running around like crazy, not devoting the time to prayer that i should of...

on top of already feeling disconnected, i knew a few people on staff and spent some time with them, taking away time for students... the time that i spent with my friends was wonderful and definitely high lights of the week, but it made my connection with the students weak...

i had a great week, but mostly because of the conversations shared with a new-old friend who i hadn't seen in a few years... i was glad to have found that friendship... plus it was great to see my roommate (in real life) in camp mode and be able to share it with her...

right before i left camp i found out one of my favorite people in the world is staying at our house for a few days... and i get home and she arrives a couple of hours later... we hung out and talked and made a late night food run... and it was the best follow-up to a camp week i could imagine... intimate conversation about where we are in life and what we want... it was comforting to talk with someone who is in the same boat as me in many ways...

i went to church yesterday, hung out with my kids and had a great lunch with a couple of my favorite people... and my boss told me that i should take today and friday off... and i didn't argue with him, so i enjoyed sleeping in today and getting some much needed rest... then i went with cynthia to mfuge worship at belmont, which sparked further conversation... then i finally saw my roommate for the first time in july...

all of that to say, i feel like i'm right where i supposed to be in life... i'm in the right job (even though i still have bad days), in the right place in ministry, having new and old friendships that are incredible to me... i'm incredibly thankful for the journey i've been on and i'm looking forward to the next thing... but for now, it is easy to be good here...